On May 4th, my life changed forever. My brother, Brian, passed away at about 3:30 a.m. My brother fought the mightiest of fights but succumbed to the cancer that was attacking him for two and a half years. When people die others seem to forget who they were, kind of putting them on a pedestal after death. In truth, my brother was a pain in the ass at times, he had wronged me during my life and was human. He also was incredibly faithful and caring, and thoughtful, thinking about others' lives and their happenings even though, in reality they were incredibly unimportant things, while he was fighting his own battles. He was my ultimate childhood playmate and became my advocate and friend.
I do feel disappointment about his life and our relationship but this isn't about that. This is about feeling low and oh so sad and needing people to hold me up. I need the strength of others. I need encouragement. I am usually that person for others but now I need a me. And in a tragedy or hard times it is only natural to hope certain people are there for you.
According to Wikipedia, "Disappointment is the feeling of dissatisfaction that follows the failure of expectations or hopes to manifest." For me specifically, my disappointment was not an expectation but rather a hope. I expect nothing but hope for everything. (kind of and you'll see why below) And I am disappointed. I have put my own needs, wants and desires on the back burner time and time again and I had hoped certain people would have done the same for me but unfortunately these weeks have been filled with disappointments. I have gone above and beyond for people and I had hoped these people would reach out to me but they have hardly even made the effort to ask how I have been.
So In thinking about recent disappointments I found two quotes that caught my attention. 1) There can be no deep disappointment where there is not deep love. Martin Luther King, Jr.
In my case this is probably very true. Love has so many facets, so many faces. Jesus tells us to love all people and though I am not quite there yet there are many people I do love or have loved. My prior actions were based on this love that I feel/felt. And being that I love these people I guess I just hoped that they loved me similarly, enough to be there for me in my time of need. But the thing about our hopes that I need to remember is that they can be unrealized and unfulfilled just as much as they can come into being.
2) When we focus on our gratitude, the tide of disappointment goes out and the tide of love rushes in. Kristin Armstrong
Thankfully, this is where I have come to be. So just as there were people that disappointed me there are others who I am so completely thrilled with and I am so grateful. Certain people I truly didn't think would be able to support me and hold me up have surprised me and have done just that or have gone beyond my expectations. Yes, expectations! My expectations were only negative. That is so not okay. I never would have expected so and so to be so supportive. Heck, there are other people in my life that I truly never gave a thought to and WOW, was I wrong. Out of the wood work came champions and crutches and I am blessed! Thank you Lord! My perspective has changed.
And that is what I believe Fredrich von Schiller meant. A thunderstorm comes in...creating hard rains, strong winds, loud noises and bright lights but usually, after it has all stopped, the sky is clear and the air is crisp and clean, refreshed and new. Disappointment does the same to the soul and I am grateful.
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