Changing my life with essential oils...I guess I never really post this.

So I began this journey and blog in February.  I did so because in so many aspects of my life I need get down to the roots/basics of life to get to the core of me and who I am.  This includes all the things in life that are bogging me down or making me murky.  Specifically what I am talking about here is all the stuff in life, food, over the counter drugs, household products that are for lack of a better word, poisoning me and my family.  All of this stuff really came to the forefront when Brian was diagnosed with colon cancer at the age of 39.  Yes, there is a genetic factor of this diagnosis as he did have ulcerative colitis as a child but there is an environmental factor of the diagnosis as well.  As Brian was educated about such things he shared his knowledge with me.  To compliment his teaching I did my own research and we started getting more back to basics in our house.  We try to limit processed food and buy organic as much as is feasible with our circumstances. What I mean is as best we can without breaking the bank and also easily because we are your typical dual income crazy busy middle income family.  So organic apples and strawberries - yes. Bananas and oranges - no.  We try to make smart choices.

So in November I left my job to help Brian and his family with their care issues as the demands of Brian increased.  And we are definitely feeling the financial pinch now especially since we are trying to eat better.  Crazy how eating healthful food is quite a bit more costly than eating crap.  This is a huge problem in our society.  OK, focus Heather, focus.  I was following a blogger who really turned me on to essential oils. I was really attracted to the idea of eliminating toxins from our lives, helping my family and also, they are cost effective.  So I purchased an enrollment kit and also a focus blend to help my son focus in the afternoons/evenings after his meds are gone from his system.  All I can say is WOW.  Wish I knew more when Brian was with us.

Learning how to use the oils effectively to help my family has been really exciting.  Instead of turning to a discomfort reliever every few days when I get a head tension I use Peppermint and Lavender on my forehead and temples.  When Justin got itchy foot from sports I didn't have to run to the pharmacy, I used lavender and melaluca.  And the focus blend I bought for my son is so incredible both sons ask for in the morning before school.  There is so much to learn and I am still learning and I am still amazed at the power of essential oils. Just a few days ago I ate something that gave me such a sour stomach I skipped dinner.  I toughed it out for about 15-20 minutes before I was like, duh! Go to your oils! I rubbed digestive blend on my stomach and no kidding, in a minute, maybe I was feeling the effects and felt 100% in less than 5 minutes.  I am so psyched about these oils.     

Seriously, I stand behind their awesomeness wholeheartedly!  If you are interested in trying them out email me at beshorewellness@gmail.com

Or join my group: www.facebook.com/groups/BeShoreEssentialOils

Thanks for checking it out!

When I go to yoga I set determination as my intention.

Since my brother passed away determination and achievement have been a primary focus.  I was pretty down the last time I wrote a blog post.  Not pretty but REALLY down.  I still have moments of sadness but over the past few months I have been healing and achieving and I am determined to keep on living life to the fullest...achieving peace, personal strength, setting goals and building up to achieving my dreams.

I believe a big part of that has been achieved through my use of essential oils.  I have been using them since March.  I actually got introduced to my essential oil company looking for an alternative for Brian since he wasn't able to do chemo anymore and could only consume liquids.  I wish I would have known back then what I know now.  I was just starting out so I can't beat myself up.  But I have learned so much since then.  Now I can help and support (not speaking financially support) and maintain a healthy family.  Since June, I have been building up my essential oil business and it excites me so much.  Having a natural alternative to many aspects of my life and sharing that with people so they can have more control over their lives is so exciting and fulfilling.

In fact, I met a woman last weekend who is the founder of a non-profit organization that helps women fighting breast cancer.  She wants to connect with me about some of company's products and some of the products I make using essential oils including soaps and lip balm.  So excited. A blessing really.

I am also going back to my old employer which is really exciting.  It solidifies my leaving to help care for Brian.  I was nervous since we have been financially struggling a bit since my severance ran out.  My manager contacted me the very day I passed my state exam and was going to call my "new employer" to set up a day to sign a contract.  I know this is where I am supposed to be.  And what is awesome is I will have financial security and still have the time to build my essential oil business.  If I had gone with the new employer I would have had to spend time building up an insurance business and essential oil may have gone to the side.  But not anymore.  Hooray!

Soon I'll start sharing some of the cool things I have been making with my oils.  It feels so good knowing my family will be healthier now with far less chemicals and synthetics in their lives.

Last weekend I was speaking with my ex and I started to cry

He responded by asking, "What's wrong? Why are you depressed?"  If I cry it doesn't mean I am depressed. Even if I were, that's okay.  Well, not really. It's not healthy to be depressed but it is healthy to cry.  It's healthy to feel your emotions even when those emotions are negative ones like sadness, fear and loneliness.  And actually, crying is intended to make you feel better, physiologically.  So when I cry please don't assume I am depressed.  I am actually really happy with many aspects of my life but I AM sad and overwhelmed right now.

So, some history remiss of all those complex details: My life turned absolutely upside down when I was 28 years old.  My sons had just turned one. My marriage was failing or realistically, had already failed.  I worked full time outside the home just to make ends meet at a job that came with a ridiculous hour-plus long commute, each way, in the snow.  Seriously!  I was exhausted and struggling emotionally. If that wasn't enough, my daddy, my greatest support and my hero, commit suicide. At the same time my mom was critically injured by him. I was unfortunate enough to be the one who got to experience this tragedy first hand, as it happened.  I am considered a secondary victim to the crime.  It was crushing!  It was the WORST day of my life and I can see it in my head like it was yesterday.  I was left with no support system and virtually no help. Most of my extended family was absent from my life at this time for whatever their reasons were which left me to care for my sons and my mother, work and grieve this tragic loss of my daddy alone. Grieving the loss of a loved one who's life ended by suicide is it's own complex monster that I could write a ton on itself.  And it totally sucked. There is no nice way to say it. 

I was a single mom of 13 month old twin boys. My mom sustained critical injuries that left her hospitalized for 4 months and when she was finally released from the rehab I was her primary caregiver.  It took additional surgeries and quite a lot of time for her to heal.  So I turned to God and food to comfort me along this difficult life path.  And, good or bad, they both did their job. I gained a huge amount of weight and renewed my faith in God.  I'm not sure how I would have gotten through that time period without God and the power of prayer.  Unfortunately for the boys and also for me, I really don't remember that time period because I was on autopilot.  I don't remember them. With tearful eyes I have to say that I don't remember their "firsts" nor did I write them down because, at the time, remembering them wasn't a priority.  Getting up and living was.  Caring for them and giving them all the love I could muster each day was all I could do at that time.

So, when the boys were about 2 and a half I finally got to where I knew I needed to take back my life.  I started working on me and had lost almost 80 pounds through weight watchers and exercise.  Boy, it was hard to lose that weight but in retrospect, it was quite easy when the boys were that little to eat right and exercise. I got my life back.  Woo Hoo!  I met my current husband when the boys had just turned 4 years old.  We got married two years later and things were going well, with me, with them, life was good.

Both my mom and my Daddy struggled with mental illness.  I can't say if it was nature or environment but most likely a different combination of the two for each of them.  I guess to some extent I do too as do/will my sons throughout their lives.  When the boys were about 8 years old my mother really started struggling again with her illness(es).  As a result of this, her personal choices and her prior injuries she started exhibiting symptoms of dementia which was eventually diagnosed as early onset Alzheimer's.  Two years ago this past January she had declined so much that my brother and I decided that we had to put her into a residence for such patients as we could no longer care for her to the extent that she required. She hasn't remembered who I am for about a year, a year and a half now but she is safe and generally healthy and is the happiest I have ever seen her.

So as all this was going on with my mom, about 3 years ago my big brother, Brian, got sick. Brian underwent a ton of testing over a five month period and basically it was determined, erroneously though, that he was having an ulcerative colitis flare up which he was plagued with as a child.   However, on December 6, 2011, during a surgery his diagnosis was changed to Stage 4 colon cancer. I can't even begin to explain how his diagnosis changed our lives.  A little over a month ago, on May 4th, he lost his battle, 6 weeks before his 42nd birthday. He fought longer and harder than I ever could have fought. Despite his illness, or maybe because of it, my faith in God has remained strong or perhaps has grown a bit.  Brian and I were blessed with an amazing opportunity, a true blessing: the gift of time since I left my job to help care for him.  I am truly grateful that we were given this time together and, as a result, grew to be much closer because of his illness, forgiveness and God.  We mended our relationship and built it up even stronger.  And, as a result, there is so much more of him to miss!!  I am broken-hearted.

Unfortunately, I did go back to comfort eating as Brian declined. That coupled with a knee injury that required surgery and has permitted only limited mobility/movement since last August has not been a good combination for me and my weight.  Otherwise, I am doing pretty well I think but, in truth, some days I can barely hold it together.  When I think about my loss, both the recent loss of my brother and the other losses I have lived through over the last 11 years I feel very much alone, scared and sad.  There is little left of my original family pod.  Though, for my current family I need to take back my life again and I am working on that right now.  

"Disappointments are to the soul what thunderstorms are to the air" ~ Friedrich von Schiller

On May 4th, my life changed forever.  My brother, Brian, passed away at about 3:30 a.m. My brother fought the mightiest of fights but succumbed to the cancer that was attacking him for two and a half years.  When people die others seem to forget who they were, kind of putting them on a pedestal after death.  In truth, my brother was a pain in the ass at times, he had wronged me during my life and was human.  He also was incredibly faithful and caring, and thoughtful, thinking about others' lives and their happenings even though, in reality they were incredibly unimportant things, while he was fighting his own battles.  He was my ultimate childhood playmate and became my advocate and friend.  

I do feel disappointment about his life and our relationship but this isn't about that.  This is about feeling low and oh so sad and needing people to hold me up.  I need the strength of others.  I need encouragement.  I am usually that person for others but now I need a me.  And in a tragedy or hard times it is only natural to hope certain people are there for you.  

According to Wikipedia, "Disappointment is the feeling of dissatisfaction that follows the failure of expectations or hopes to manifest."  For me specifically, my disappointment was not an expectation but rather a hope.  I expect nothing but hope for everything.  (kind of and you'll see why below) And I am disappointed.  I have put my own needs, wants and desires on the back burner time and time again and I had hoped certain people would have done the same for me but unfortunately these weeks have been filled with disappointments.  I have gone above and beyond for people and I had hoped these people would reach out to me but they have hardly even made the effort to ask how I have been.

So In thinking about recent disappointments I found two quotes that caught my attention. 1) There can be no deep disappointment where there is not deep love.  Martin Luther King, Jr.
In my case this is probably very true.  Love has so many facets, so many faces.  Jesus tells us to love all people and though I am not quite there yet there are many people I do love or have loved.  My prior actions were based on this love that I feel/felt.  And being that I love these people I guess I just hoped that they loved me similarly, enough to be there for me in my time of need.   But the thing about our hopes that I need to remember is that they can be unrealized and unfulfilled just as much as they can come into being.
  
2) When we focus on our gratitude, the tide of disappointment goes out and the tide of love rushes in.  Kristin Armstrong
Thankfully, this is where I have come to be.  So just as there were people that disappointed me there are others who I am so completely thrilled with and I am so grateful.  Certain people I truly didn't think would be able to support me and hold me up have surprised me and have done just that or have gone beyond my expectations.  Yes, expectations!  My expectations were only negative.  That is so not okay.  I never would have expected so and so to be so supportive.  Heck, there are other people in my life that I truly never gave a thought to and WOW, was I wrong.  Out of the wood work came champions and crutches and I am blessed!  Thank you Lord!  My perspective has changed.

And that is what I believe Fredrich von Schiller meant.  A thunderstorm comes in...creating hard rains, strong winds, loud noises and bright lights but usually, after it has all stopped, the sky is clear and the air is crisp and clean, refreshed and new.  Disappointment does the same to the soul and I am grateful.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. -Steve Jobs

“Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” 
― Steve Jobs

When I first read the first line of the quote I did not take it exactly as Steve Jobs intended. The additional text really explains his thoughts though.  I took it as trying to live another's life, literally, well kind of, in my head at least. See, I have a tendency to do this.  Often I may be going through the steps of day to day life, interacting with those around me, doing whatever it is I have to do but in my mind I am living a fantasy life.  I guess it's like a perpetual sin, coveting thy neighbor...wanting a life I don't really have and perhaps the life another is living.  Parts of my dream world may be complete fantasy but other parts are certainly other people's lives.  In my head I create fictional scenarios and kind of live up in there because it's fun!!!

Despite how fun it may be it's not healthy.  It's really kind of a seriously bad habit.  It's totally unfair to those around me, my loved ones, since I am not living in the here and now.  It's also really unfair to me!!  I truly need to do this...practice this.  And hopefully in time I will live less and less in my own little fantasy world.  As I do this though I really need to heed Steve's words and true intent.  This is a way healthier and better place to be.

Everyone needs a theme song

Mine shall be Titanium by David Guetta.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE this song...the words/chorus, the fast beats/musical interludes if that's what they are called. This song is amazing for anything high energy...thinking, exercise, sex, you name it.  I can so relate to the emotions of this song as many people can I suppose.  It is a song about my life thus far.  A troubled childhood for so many reasons followed by a troubled adulthood for many more reasons.  I suppose many can relate to that too.  (Random thought: I think Daenerys Targaryen's theme song would be something like Titanium...can't wait until 4/6) 

Okay, so I have been a slack-ass.  Far too busy to not be working and not giving enough time to my thoughts and my transition.  I am a thinker...I think too much or so I've heard.  I know that many people don't give this shit a second thought.  Yet, I have put much time and effort into figuring out who I am, why I am the way I am or was and the next steps necessary to be the me I need/want to be.  

So it occurred to me that I have been an emotional eater throughout my life.  At some times I have been in control of this and other times I have not.  This is not purely a psychological phenomenon. There is the physiological aspect of it that is difficult to control.  I am not quite sure of the psychological dynamic...is it that I have an oral fixation?  I do!  It cannot be denied.  I once smoked. I like to eat. I stick my fingers in my mouth often. I just love things in my mouth!!  Err, yeah, that too.  But also I go to food when I am sad, angry, upset, bored.  You name it.  I have a negative emotion I go to food to comfort me.  So which is it?  Perhaps a combination of both. 

Now add to that the chemical/hormonal responses that occurs in the brain when we eat comfort foods...endogenous opioids and dopamine are released and BOY, do I love pleasure!  Then there is the inter-relationship between cortisol, ghrelin, insulin and other hormones.  The physiological aspect is even harder to get a firm grasp on and control.  I am especially sensitive to addictive substances...both physiologically and psychologically.  It's a fight to control all of this but a fight I am not willing to lose.  This is but one of the reasons Titanium is my theme song.

And then there was blog

So this is really pretty exciting...my first blog post.  As I make my way towards the BIG 40, my introspection has become more prevalent than ever before.  I know that may be hard to believe since I am such a thinker but it's true.  It has occurred to me over the past, I don't know, 1-2 years, that I have lived much of my life for others.  I do what others expect and want, behave as others would like, worry about what others may think or say.  You get the picture.  As such, I have decided to make a journey...a journey of discovering who I truly am, the honest and real me without all the negative influences, my organic self.  The purpose of this blog is to help me through this journey and to become more accountable to myself.  I guess one could say this is an accounting of my mid life crisis. And by definition it really is a mid life crisis. I am determined to find out who I really am and to be true to myself before it becomes to late.